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so i was laying in bed, listening to music, trying to fall asleep.

but i couldnt. all i could do was think.

so i got up to take a shower.

and the thoughts didnt go away.

who am i?
i used to be the fat loner kid, who would sit in the library before school, i didnt even read books in there. id just sit. i only had a few friends my freshman year of high school. the friends i had forged from my stanfield elementary, which i left because i 'couldnt stand it'. to a school that knocked me down a few steps. i was in stanfield K-7th, then i went to casa grande junior high, i wish i could have stayed at stanfield, made stronger friends, stronger memories, but i didnt.

so im in high school now, in this trail of memories.
sitting in a library. waiting for the bell to ring.
day in day out.
my routines dont fade.

i go to school i go home i go to school i go home.

i have time to improve, improve myself, i dont. i say i am going to, only to wake up to go back to school.

then my sophmore year i meet people i live by. i lived in the middle of nowhere, so when i get outside to get on the bus my sophmore year. whoa there are new people here.
slowly get to know them, somehow through the course of fate we're just friends. that in turn leads me to more friends, something fresh somehing new. the air has a new smell in it now. me, leonard, micheal, and david. just hanging out. playing 'magic'.

i think they truly saved my life, i was only getting fatter and more of a hermit.
they gave me a second chance.

my junior year i dropped a ton of weight, and came back to school thinner. i wouldnt say cooler. ha.

i can remember meeting leonards sister, sarah, for the first time.
i remember leo taking me to the apartments, the old apartments. meeting thomas, and austin, darren and nicole, and james. and brandon, although he didnt live there.

everything was new.
although thomas and austin, were kids i recognized from stanfield.
but id never got to know them till now.

forging new friendships...

except james the jameser northy.

i can remember staying up all night, watching movies, talking, or listening to new music.
music was amazing to me, i grew up in a closed space. wth muffled walls where it was hard to hear new things, but now i had broken free.

i remember walking to circle k at 2 am , my eyelids heavy, to try the new mountain dew (pitch black, wasnt the greatest to me, im more of a mountain dew live wire kind of person)

those were really good times.
then they moved to a new apartment complex. this is where james became a thief. where i met my girlfriend for the first time. this is where leo went missing because of his girlfriend. this is where nicole parted my hair a certain way that i kept for a long time. where brandon and i made a better friendship. where i had to sleep between thomas and louie on the pull out sofa, with aaron in the corner, with louie holding me periodically throught the night.(akward). this where i found out what zia's was. this is where i started ditching class. this is where me and austin went to johnny carinos, and we both hired, austin laughed at me for only lasting 2 days, then he quit at day 1. this is where i left school in the middle of the day cause it was austins birthday. this is where most of my teenage memories are probably, where i felt the best. thats what i am missing.

i turned 18, moved to the colony apartments with austin, darren, and nicole, jobless.
i hated being a moocher. i got foodstamps, so i could help some, i tried getting a job but no luck, maybe i didnt try hard enough. maybe my 2 days at johnnys didnt work in my favor who knows. late nights, austins drunken escapades, bikes, psp games, the photoshop terror club, fdisk, the shortlived brian experience, late nights, boca burgers (lots of mustard), my girlfriend and our long distance relationship (having to walk in hot heat to the movies, or walmart), walmart, walmart, gamestop, and walmart.

then my mom left my dad, i felt bad for him, so i left.
i dont think i ever explained why i left. just that i was going back home.

after that i think they seemed to dislike me, hate me even?
maybe i was seeing something that wasnt there, or feeling something that wasnt there. but if there were hard feelings, id like to know why. and if i did anything to upset you guys (austin, darren, nicole) im really sorry, and i didnt mean to do anything.

so here i am now, on my own and alone. living in phoenix. so id be able to see my girlfriend alison more than once a week. we made it through a year of that, and now its done and we are going on year 2.

missing lost, or fading friendships.
trying to not forget memories that mean a lot to me, even if they were insignificant to others. they ment a lot to me.

austin, sorry i didnt get to see you when you came down, i miss you though. hope youre happy and all

darren, you showed me a lot of music, and games, and metal gear acid was fun. hope i didnt do anything that had pissed you off.

micheal, i never get to see you when im down in cg, that will have to change.

david, dont kill yourself.

leo, sorry i bailed before you could wake up to see the last disc of lost. when i get paid ill i tunes it, and send it to you somehow.

thats all i got for now.
i started this off by saying who am i, this didnt explain that, i dont think.
so ill leave it like this, with an unanswered question.